Random Oneshots
by pearberry14
Summary: Random one-shots that pop into my head when I'm bored. Lots of randomness ensues!
1. Chapter 1

**PB/N- Okay, these are some explanations that one of my Twilight obsessed friend came up with. I own nothing, so enjoy!!!!**

Explaining Renesmee:

Jacob and Bella had an 'affair' the night before Edward and Bella's wedding. Then Edward and Bella had their turn for some fun, and Bella got preggo by Jacob and Edward, and the two babies morphed into one. That's the heartbeat she got.

Renesmee and Jacob's child:

Renesmee has vampire and human in her, and Jacob is half wolf, half human. They had a kid, 'Joe', gets in a fight with himself about how bad he stinks. Here it is:

"Werewolf. Ew. Vampire. Ew. Human. Yum!" Joe says. Then he bites himself, and dies from the venom reacting with the werewolf.

Explaining Jasper:

Confuses the heck out of you with emotions. Kinda shy, has trouble not killing humans. And Awesome. :D

Her opinion on Edward:

She (insert heart here)'s Edward; he's her hottness, amazingly wonderful, so much better than drugs.

**PB/N- Like I said, this was all one of my friends, and I agreed to post it for her. Review, and you'll get the summary for a story I'm writing at present, before it even comes out. TTYL!!!!!**


	2. Vampire with Glasses?

**PB/N- Mkay! Heys all! I got bored… and I wrote this and posted it… yeah. I own nothing, except the crazy plotline, and my insane moments!**

"Edwarrd! What would happen if you bit a person with bad eyesight?" Bella whined.

He shrugged. "Dunno. Let's find out!" He used his magical powers to magically make a girl with long brown hair and thick glasses appear. She looked shocked.

"Hi! I'm Nicky! You're Edward, and you're Bella, so Jasper must be here somewhere! Jasper!" she shouted. Jasper came rushing down the stairs.

"What's up?" he asked, looking at her. She threw herself at him.

"I love you!" she sobbed into his chest.

"But… I'm with Alice." He said, bewildered.

"So? Who needs her? Marry me!" she exclaimed.

He shrugged. "Okay."

"Cool! Now, bite me!" Carlisle magically appeared, bit her, and disappeared again. She writhed in pain on the floor, while everyone watched. Five seconds later, she popped up, and her glasses flew off her face.

"Hey! I can see again! Without my glasses! Hooray! Let's go hunting!" she ran out the back door, Jasper following. Alice came down the stairs.

"Anyone see Jasper?" she asked. Edward looked at Bella, then Alice.

"Err… I… ate him?" Edward said. Alice narrowed her eyes, and let out a warning growl.

Bella rolled her eyes. "He went hunting." She said, trying to hide that he went with the other girl. Jasper and Nicky came bounding back in, Nicky covered in blood, her eyes magically already golden, with a giant diamond ring on her left ring finger. Nicky bounded over to Alice.

"Let's go shopping! And you can give me makeovers whenever you want!" She said.

Alice narrowed her eyes, checking Nicky out. "I guess so! And I'll like, totally like, disregard the fact that you, like, totally stole my husband!" And they all skipped off happily into the sunset, all sparkling, except for Bella, cause she's a lame human. The End!

**PB/N- like I said, totally random, cause I got really really really bored…. Review before I have a spazz attack!**


	3. Ramen, Apples, and Apple Juice

**PB/N- Heh heh. I got bored again…. Me own nothing. Not even ramen. Sniff. Tear.**

Bella walked into the cafeteria, for lunch, with her brown paper bag with her lunch in it. She sat down next to Edward, and pulled out an orange, rectangular package. Edward looked at it in disdain as Bella began to crush it up.

"What is that?" He asked.

"Ramen noodles!" Bella exclaimed as she opened the package, and pulled out a little shiny square. She ripped it open, and poured it into the orange bag, held closed the top, and began shaking it.

"What are you doing?" Edward asked.

"Mixing the noodles and spices!" Bella said. She stopped shaking it, opened it, pulled out a handful, shoved it in her mouth, and ate it. Edward looked disgusted. Angela walked over.

"Hey Bella! Is that chicken ramen?" She asked.

"Yep!" she said, still munching.

"Can… I have some?" Angela asked.

"Sure!" Bella said, and handed Angela a handful.

"Thanks!" Angela said, and walked away, munching. Edward looked doubly disgusted.

"Wouldn't they be better cooked?" He asked.

"To some people." Bella replied, still munching. Bella finished the ramen. "Aw. It's gone." She reached into the bag, and pulled out an apple and a bottle of apple juice.

"You know, they taste nothing alike." Bella remarked, taking a bite of the apple, and opening the bottle. Nicky appeared out of nowhere, grabbed the apple and the juice, threw them against the wall, and poofed away.

"Aw. That was all I had for lunch." Bella complained.

They all skipped happily off into the sunset, sparkling, except for Bella, who tripped and was left behind, and Alice's new lover, Sam Uley. Rosalie was with Carlisle, Emmett with Esme, Alice and Sam, Nicky and Jasper, and Edward all alone cause Bella tripped and broke her leg, and was rolling on the ground in pain.

The End.

**PB/N- Wow. I just realized how mean I am to Bella. Don't forget to review!**


	4. Human Edward and Esme

**PB/N- here's another one! I'd like to dedicate this to maximum-ride-23, cause she loves me oh-so much. jk. But it's still dedicated to her.**

"Oh my gosh! Help me, doctor! I'm dying from the Spanish in… in… flu!" human Edward with his sparkly green human eyes yelled. Carlisle, his doctor, ran in the room with his arms outstretched like superman.

"Never fear! Doctor Carlisle is here!"

Elizabeth Masen raised her head. "Doctor! Save my son! I can tell you're a vampire! Bite him, bite him and save him!" she dramatically dropped dead.

"Alas! She lived a good life!" Carlisle said, dropping his head into his hands.

"You heard the lady! Bite me!" Edward shouted, spasming from the flu. Carlisle sighed, ran over, and bit human Edward. Alas, Edward would be human no more.

3 days later

Edward and Carlisle skipped away into the sunset alongside a cliff, when Carlisle saw Esme jump.

"I'll save you, my future love!" Carlisle said, jumping in after her. He got to her, just as she landed, with an "oomph."

"Ooh. That's gonna leave a mark." Edward said, watching from up on the cliff. Carlisle bit Esme. "Ooh. That's gotta hurt." He said.

3 more days later

Edward, Carlisle, and Esme skipped off into the sunset. Carlisle was holding hands with Esme. They were all sparkling happily, not knowing that they would be joined by four more vampires, and one really clumsy human in the next 110 years. But for now, they were content sparkling in the sunset.

The End.

**PB/N- haha. That was pretty funny. Review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	5. Freaky Freaky Fresh

**PB/N- Ugh. I feel icky. Me owns nothing.**

"Hey, Bella." Edward said, walking over to where Bella was sitting.

"Freaky, freaky fresh." Bella said. Edward gave her a funny look.

"Are you okay, Bella?" he asked, concerned.

"Faschizzle." Bella replied.

"Bella, you're scaring me…" Edward said, backing away a little.

"Freaky freaky fresh." Bella said, yet again. Emmett walked over.

"Hey, little human! What's up?" Emmett asked her. Bella thought for a second.

"Faschizzle." She replied. Emmett nodded sympathetically.

"Me too."

"Freaky freaky fresh." She said back.

"I know, right?" he said to her. Emmett turned and looked at Edward. "It's alright. She says that the magical pixie fairy queen put a spell on her so that she could only say those phrases, and the only people who can understand her are the people who drive giant jeeps." Emmett said to Edward, with the voice of someone explaining to a thirty-year old how 2+2=4. Edward shook his head, and walked off. Emmett and Bella conversed this way for several more minutes, before Edward had Bella committed to the loony bin.

The End.

**PB/N- eh. Not my best, but like I said, I don't feel all that good. My throat feels like it's burning, cause it hurts, and my nose is stuffy, so I hafta breath through my mouth…. Anywho, REVIEW!!!!!!**


	6. Hoodsie Cups and Spoons

**PB/N- Hola, wonderful readers of fan fiction world!!! I own nada. Yeah….**

Isabella Marie Swan had a problem. And not just an 'I can't breath through my nose' problem, no, miss swan's problem was much greater than that. She wanted a hoodsie cup, filled with chocolate and vanilla ice creamy goodness, but she had a stuffy nose. And she had to use both hands to open the container. Bella had the spoon in her mouth, and the hoodsie cup container in her hands. She was opening it, and she wasn't able to breath. She was trying to open it fast, but for some reason it was stuck. She yanked the spoon out of her mouth, and took in some huge gulps of air. Edward watched, amused from the kitchen table.

"Don't just sit there and stare at me! Do something!" She shouted at him. He sat up.

"Why don't you just put the spoon down?" he asked.

"Because I don't trust how clean the counters and table are, and I'm already sick as it is!" She exclaimed angrily. Edward grabbed the top and pulled it off.

"Bella… I need to warn you about-" he said, trying to warn her about the ice cream, but it was too late, she had already taken a bite. She fell to the ground, writhing in pain. " Alas. She shall be a vampire now." Edward said, cradling his head in his hands. A baby magically popped out of Bella's belly, and it was magically named Renesmee. Jacob appeared out of nowhere. He imprinted, and poofed away. When Bella was done changing, she was a vampire. Not a ghost, a vampire. They all skipped away into the sunset, everyone paired with who they were in the last chapter.

The End

**PB/N- haha. Bella's a vampire now. I personally know from experience that it is very hard to open a hoodsie cup when you have a stuffy nose and a spoon in your mouth. Review???**


	7. Escape from the Asylum

**PB/N- Hola! When I posted the last chapter, I didn't stop and think, hey, some people may not know what a hoodsie cup is. Well, if you didn't ask, it is two flavors of ice cream usually vanilla and chocolate or vanilla and strawberry, put in a little plastic cup. It is usually served at birthday parties with the cake. And, I own nothing.**

Bella walked down the halls of the insane asylum that Edward had had her committed to. Emmett and Alice had been committed shortly after her. She was going to visit them. Emmett was her bestest buddy now. All Alice did was rock back and forth in the corner, muttering about not wanting to be back. Bella usually ignored her. Bella went to their room. They had a double room, so they could share. Bella was lucky. She had a room to herself. Today was a good day for Alice. She had set up the decorations and extra clothes up in their room, and was "shopping". Emmett shook his head at her.

"If she wasn't crazy before, she is now. And I think the attendants are getting confused. We never eat the food…" Emmett said.

"Emmett, you're a vampire. You can break us out of here!" Bella exclaimed.

Emmett slapped his head. "Of course! How could I forget?" He tucked Alice (who screamed because her shopping was disrupted) under one arm and Bella under the other. He ran out the door, down the hall, and out the main entrance. A bunch of angry attendants yelled at them, but they kept running. They ran to the mall. Alice had returned to normal as soon as they had left. She bought them a bunch of clothes, and they walked off into the sunset, on their way back to the Cullen house. A couple of attendants from the asylum jumped on them from the side. Emmett and Alice bit them and sucked their blood. They continued off into the sunset. Bella fell down for 0.5 seconds, and jumped back up as a vampire. They started running in slow motion, their hair swaying in the light breeze. Well, Bella's was. Emmett and Alice didn't have long enough hair. The End.

**PB/N- well… that was weird…. Review? **


	8. Twilight Puppet Pals

**PB/N- Okay. It's down to this. If you haven't seen Potter Puppet Pals, you probably won't understand this. If you haven't seen it, you need to go to , and watch Potter Puppet Pals, The Mysterious Ticking Noise and School is For Losers. I don't own Harry Potter, Twilight, or Potter Puppet Pals. Enjoy.**

_School Is For Losers_

_(Scene opens on Edward walking around Forks.)_

"I'm Edward Cullen, school is for losers, I'm totally awesome." He sings with a totally fake accent. James, Victoria, and Laurent attack him from the side. "You haven't been in school for 3 weeks!" They say. He bites their heads off. He continues down the street, playing a saxophone that appears out of nowhere. Finally, Emmett, Alice, and newly vampiric Bella attack him. They all fall to the street in slow motion. The End.

*******************************

_Mysterious Ticking Noise_

_(Scene opens on Carlisle at the hospital. Ticking noise in the background.)_

"Hmm. What is that mysterious ticking noise? Check over here, check over there, it's rather catchy… Carlisle, Carlisle, Carlisle Cullen." Carlisle is joined by Jasper.

"Jasper Jasper Jasper" Carlisle and Jasper are joined by Emmett. Continues on until all the Cullen's and Hales and Swans are there.

"Singing our song! All day long in Forks!" They sing in unison. Emmett holds up the thing making the noise.

"I've found the source of the mysterious ticking noise! It's a pipe bomb!" Emmett exclaims. Alice, Bella and Emmett cheer. The bomb explodes. The smoke clears. All the Cullens and Hales are there. Bella is nowhere in sight.

"I guess humans can't take explosions…" Emmett said. They all back away slowly. The End.

**PB/N- Lol. now... review?**


	9. True Love

**PB/N- this is actually kinda from experience. More at the bottom. Haha. I own nothing. READ!!!**

Bella walked to Edward's room. She walked in.

"I'm sorry Edward. You're not my true love." She said sadly. "The fates have decided otherwise."

Edward stared at her. "If it's that mangy dog, I'm going to-"

"No, Eddie, it's not Jacob either. It's someone else. Remember the bracelet that Jake gave me? And it had a wolf, and the heart charm you gave me? Well, Alice and Jasper gave me some charms too. Well, more like Alice forced Jasper to, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I'm meant to be with Jasper. All the charms except Jasper's has broken in some way shape, or form. The clasp on Jake's broke, and I got a new clasp, it happened with Alice's too, and yours, well, the wire used to hold it on fell off completely. The heart isn't even on it right now. It's in my pocket, see?" Bella said, pulling the heart out of her pocket. "So, I'm meant to be with Jasper, sorry."

Edward looked at her like she was crazy. "Uh huh…" he said, probably thinking of recommitting her to the insane asylum.

"Well, bye. I'm off the frolic with my new love. You can have Alice." And with that, Bella flounced out of the room, off to meet her new lover. The End.

**PB/N- Yeah, so I got the Bella bracelet for Christmas. It had a J for Jasper on it, cause I like Jasper. So it had the heart, the wolf, and the J. Edward's heart fell off, and has fallen off several times, and is currently in my pocket, cause I need new wire to attach it. The wolf's clasp at one point broke, and I had to reattach it. The J is the only one that hasn't had any kind of damage to it. Yeah. That's where the inspiration for this chapter came.**


	10. Another Asylum?

**PB/N- hola! I just randomly thought of this. It's actually really random, but here it is. The Vampire Insane Asylum.**

**Bella Point of View**

So now I'm a vampire. Everyone in my family thinks that I've gone completely and utterly insane, and all because I tried to turn the apple into a vampire. I mean, come on! That would be totally AWESOME! So, here I am. In the waiting room at an insane asylum. But not just any asylum. No, it's a vampire asylum in Volterra. A lady walked out of a room. All the walls here are made of some secret substance thingy that vampires can't break. I already tried.

"Bella Cullen?" She called in a tinkly soprano voice. Edward stood up, and grabbed my arm, leading me into the room. I didn't bother trying to break free, because he would just catch me again, and there were guards here that could kill me in point five seconds flat. "And why are you here, Bella?" she asked me. I scowled.

"I'm not really insane. My husband seems to think that I am because I tried to change an apple into a vampire." I said. She stared at me, her facial expression turning into one that pitied.

"Well, than dearie," she said, turning to face Edward, "Single room? And, of course, vegetarian diet."

"Yes, a single room." He said, stiffly.

"Alright. I'm so sorry for you. We'll bring her right up. Visiting hours are on Saturdays from seven am, until seven pm…." Her voice faded out, I had stopped paying attention. I was staring around with panicked eyes. They didn't really think that I was crazy, did they? She clapped her hands, and two giant guards glided into the room and grabbed me by the arms, and lead me away.

"NO! I'm not crazy! Not crazy, I tell you!" I started thrashing around, screaming at the top of my lungs. After a week, I did go crazy. I ran around with my hair falling out of a ponytail, laughing manically the entire time. Except when Edward came. Then I acted normal, with the hopes that he would deem me sane and take me home again. It never happened. However, Alice got checked in a month or two after me. We ended up sharing a room. We went insane together.

**PB/N- well. really random. what did you think???**


	11. The South

**PB/N- Heyy! Sorry. I runded away. Actually, I got the computer taken away cause my room wasn't clean… for three weeks… I ownz nofink!**

Bella bounded over to Jasper.

"Hey! Hey, Jasper! JAZZ! I haz a question for you!" she says annoyingly. Jasper sighed.

"What, Bella?" he asked.

"You were living in the South, and joined the Confederacy, right?" she asked. Her nodded, curious. "Well, the confederacy was a nation who supported slavery. Did you like slavery?" she asked. His face filled with horror.

"Oh, GOD no! I hated slavery! I thought that slavery was sick and inhumane! I only joined the army because I wanted to fight! My parents were all for slavery, but I HATED it! With a capitol H!" Jasper rambled on and on about how he greatly disliked slavery. Alice and Edward came downstairs. Bella was backed into a corner, a scared look on her face.

"You asked his opinion on slavery?" Alice asked, looking at Bella's face.

She nodded frantically. "Yup."

Edward chuckled, and Alice sighed.

"When you ask him about that subject, he rambles on and on for days about slavery. Just remember, he doesn't like it." Edward said.

Bella nodded frantically again. "Get me out of here before his emotions kill me." She said. Edward picked her up, and ran to the meadow, where they played kissy-face for hours. Then he bit Bella, and she became a vampire. The End.

**PB/N- inspiration for this came from history. we're doing the civil war. it talked about how some people from the south were all for freedom, but fought anyways. so... yeah.**


	12. Muffins Galore

**PB/N- heehee. I came up with another. I don't own twilight. Or the muffin man song.**

Bella walked through the door of the Cullen's house, and promptly fell on her face. Esme helped her up.

"Edward is hunting right now. He'll be back soon." Esme said to Bella. Bella looked at Esme, a devious look coming onto her face.

"Esme?" She asked innocently. "Do you know the muffin man?" Esme looked at Bella funny.

"No, dear, I can't say I do." Bella sighed, and skipped to the kitchen, where Rosalie was conveniently placed.

"Rosalie, do you know the muffin man?" Bella asked.

"No… but I do know the ice cream man!" she said. Bella hung her head.

"That's just not the same…" Bella said, walking neglectedly out of the room. Bella promptly walked into Jasper, who was walking into the kitchen, to get a glass of milk for his fishie. That Emmett had eaten seconds after Jasper left.

"Jazz! Do you know the muffin man?" she asked.

"I don't think so… Lemme go ask fishie!" Jasper ran upstairs, and gave a shriek of shock at the sight of his fish hanging out of Emmett's mouth.

"I guess not…" Bella said under her breath, going off to find Alice. She went upstairs into Alice and Jasper's bedroom, where Alice was sitting on the bed, and Jasper was kneeling on the floor over his dead fish's body, despairing. Alice put down her fashion magazine. Bella opened her mouth to ask Alice, but Alice being the crazy person she was and already know, she said:

"No Bella. I do not know the muffin man." Bella turned around and left the room poutingly. Bella walked into Carlisle's study, where she found Carlisle reading a book with Nessie, her unborn child, dancing around Carlisle wearing a skimpy slut bikini.

"Carlisle, do you know the muffin man?" she asked, hopeful that he would know him. Her goal was to find someone who did.

"Sorry, Bella. I don't." Bella directed her gaze at her slutty unborn child.

"How about you, Nessie, unborn child of mine? Do you know the muffin man?" Nessie let out a string of baby talk. "I'll take that as a no." Bella said. Nessie giggled like a baby as Bella left the room. On her way downstairs, Bella tripped on the stairs, running into Emmett, who was going up the stairs. They tumbled down the stairs, landing in a heap, Emmett breaking Bella's fall.

"Thanks, Emmett. By any chance, do you know the muffin man?" she asked.

"Nope. Sorry Bells. I know the cookie man, however!" she made a disgusted noise.

"Gross. I want a muffin, not a cookie." She said. She pushed herself off of Emmett, and continued on toward the living room. Well, since everyone except her in the house was dead, she decided it was the unloving room. Edward was sitting on the white couch, waiting for Bella with a smirk on his face.

"Sorry, Bella. I don't know him." She gave a cry of frustration, and headed toward the door.

"Don't follow me. This is my mission." Bella said to Edward as she walked out the door. She couldn't see, but he had an amused look on his face. She walked onward down the street, pausing to ask Charlie who randomly poofed there. "Dad, do you know the muffin man?"

"Um… no. I hear that he makes great muffins, and gives them to cops half off, though!" He exclaimed. She gave an exasperated sigh. She continued on down the street, until she got to the store Mike worked at. She walked in. Mike was conveniently making out with Jessica behind the counter.

"Mike, Jess. Do either of you know the muffin man?" She asked them both. They glanced at each other, and they both shook their heads no. She turned around and walked out. Mike shrugged, and they went back to making out again. Bella walked a little farther down the road, where Angela was crossing the road with an armful of book.

"Angela, do you know the muffin man?" she asked.

"Angela shook her head. "No, but I've read about him!" she said.

"Thanks anyways." Bella said, walking off, depressed. Bella continued on. She caught sight of Lauren coming out of her house. "Lauren! Do you-"

"Go away, Bella. Nobody likes you!" Lauren growled at Bella. Bella took that as a no, and continued onward. Bella got to the La Push boundary line. There a fairy and a irritated grizzly bear were waiting for her.

"Bella, the key to the muffin man is in La Push!" The fairy said in a high-pitched voice. The grizzly bear growled, and nodded in agreement. Bella, smiling, walked past the fairey and bear, into La Push. The fairey was petting the bear. Bella saw Sam and Jake wearing no shirts, but cut off pants. They both told her they didn't know the muffin man. She also tried Seth and Leah, but nada. Bella was on the verge of crying, when she walked into the Black's house. She walked in, and spotted Billy drinking beer and watching the game, eating a muffin.

"BILLY!!!! Did you get that muffin from the muffin man?" She asked, screaming and running over to Billy. He nodded, and swallowed, followed by a swig of beer to wash down the muffin. Bella wrinkled her nose. She thought that beer was gross.

"Yeah, he lives on Dreary Lane, dontcha know?" Billy replied, looking all, duh, at Bella. She gave a happy squeal, and ran back to Forks. Bella lived right near Dreary Lane, so she knew where it was. She got there, only tripping 123451389645798631234 times. She bought her chocolates chip- banana nut- blueberry muffin. She ran back to the Cullen house, this time tripping 21454123540237658756123465123132365652 times. She sat on the couch, and unwrapped her muffin, which promptly burst into flames. She curled up into a ball and cried the rest of the day away, instead of getting a new muffin. The End.

**PB/N- wasn't it wonderful?**


	13. Suicidal?

**PB/N- Haha. This idea came to me while I helped someone do their summer reading on the Twilight series. Enjoy!**

**Bella PoV**

Edward and I were walking along in the forest holding hands at my sluggish human pace. We came upon a clearing, where we heard some unnatural sounding noise. It was a sort of cackling. We stepped into it, and saw a vampire building a fire. I glanced at Edward. He looked confused. I heard a ripping noise, and saw that the vampire had pulled off his leg, and toss it in the fire. I was confused. We watched in silence as the vampire ripped off his other leg and tossed it into the fire as well. The he ripped off his arm, tossed it in the fire, and threw himself into the fire as well. Through the flames, I could see him grinning. It was a horrible grin, one that brought back horrible memories of the dance studio. He gave a last cackling laugh, and was gone. The fire went out, and let off the purplish smoke and scent I knew all too well. We turned around, and walked away.

"Well, that was strange." Edward remarked.

"That's true. It's not everyday you see a suicidal vampire." I replied. We then skipped off into the sunset that poofed out of nowhere. The end.

**PB/N- we were talking about how Edward had been suicidal, and this randomly popped into my head. Lol. Don't forget to review!**


	14. Mobster Duck

**PB/N- Hey hey! I had midterms this week, so I ended up writing more after I finished my tests! Enjoy this and the next four! (And I own nothing.)**

**Carlisle PoV**

Bella ran into my office, holding a machine gun. It was a big gun. "Carlisle!" She screeched. "I'm a mobster! Gimmie all your money or I'll shoot you dead!" I stared at her in amusement. She did realize that I'm already dead, didn't she? "One…" she said slowly, preparing the gun to shoot me. "Two…" she said, pointing the gun at me. I was still laughing. "Three!" she pulled the trigger. A bullet came right at me, and bounced off my forehead. She muttered curses as she switched a switch and pointed the gun at me again. She pulled the trigger. The switch must have switched it to automatic, because bullet after bullet came spraying out of the gun. Almost everything around me had been hit. She cursed again, and switched the switch again. She pulled the trigger, in slow motion. Edward jumped through the door, pushing her to the floor in slow motion.

"Noooooo!!!" He cried. "Didn't I tell you never to use that switch?" He cried in slow mo as a rubber ducky came shooting at me. My only weakness.

"No!" I cried, as the ducky hit my forehead between my eyes. I fell over. THE END

**PB/N- wasn't it great? Please review!**


	15. Chocolate

**PB/N- And…. Another!**

**Bella PoV**

I was sitting on the couch at Edward's house, watching TV. Edward had gone out to get me chocolate. I was beginning to get impatient, wondering how long it takes to get a single freaking chocolate bar, when Jasper dragged Edward in. He was covered in orange goop. He was clutching a plastic bag in his hand." Emmett dropped a pumpkin on his head." Jasper informed me. I got up, and ran to Edward.

"Nooooo!" I cried. I grabbed the bag from his hand, opened it, and sighed in relief when I found the chocolate unharmed. Emmett came running in with a horrific look on his face, a pumpkin in his hand.

"Heerreess Emmett!" he shouted, as he threw the pumpkin at my face. It hit my head, and everything went black.

**Carlisle PoV**

"Where did you even get pumpkins in the middle of winter? Well, thanks to you, Bella has a concussion." I said. Edward sprang up from his unconscious vampire pose.

"NO! I'll save you from your concussion, Bella!" he yelled. He bit her. She twitched once, and jumped up as a vampire.

"Hooray! I'm a… aw! Now I can't eat my yummy chocolate!" she said, staring dejectedly at the bar in her hand. Jacob waltzed in out of nowhere, grabbed the chocolate, and ate it.

"Yum." He said. Then Bella ate him.

"Yum. I taste the chocolate in his blood. EW! I taste the wolf now! Get it away1" Bella screamed. And she poofed into dust. THE END.

**PB/N-reviews?**


	16. The Musical

**PB/N- I don't own McDonalds…**

The lights dimmed. The audience went silent. A spotlight appeared on the stage. Bella danced out to some awesome music. She stared at the crowd. She had never seen one so big in her life before. Another song came on. She danced around in circles. From offstage, people threw hamburgers, chicken nuggets, French fries, coffee, ice cream, soda and salads at her. She paused, facing the audience. The music stopped. "Budabubaba, I'm loving it!" Bella shout-sang. The audience started screaming, and clapping as the stage grew dark, and the curtains closed. This was why they came out. The best performance ever. McDonalds, the Musical. THE END.

**Pb/n- review?**


	17. The Death of Charlie

**PB/N-annnd another.**

"Mom, mom, mom!" Renesmee came bouncing into the living room shouting.

"What do you want annoying little…. I mean Nessie beloved daughter of mine?" Bella said, turning around and wiping Charlie's blood from her face.

"I heard Grandpa, where is-" Nessie caught sight of Charlie's lifeless body, behind Bella, spurting out blood. She ran over, and started sucking his blood. Bella joined her. Together, they sucked the rest of Charlie's blood out. "Mmm. Tastes like tacos!" Nessie shouted, licking blood from her lips. Carlisle came running down the stairs.

"What's going on?" He shouted. He caught sight of Charlie. "Alright, who killed Charlie?" he asked. Bella meekly raised her hand.

"He was so yummy… and I was getting hungry…" Everyone flooded down the stairs.

"Aw. I was gonna tease him more, Bella!" Emmett groaned.

"Too bad. All mine." Bella smiled an evil pedophilish smile. Carlisle jumped over, and bit her. She started shaking. Edward gave Carlisle a 'wtf' look. Carlisle shrugged.

"She was being evil. So I bit her to teach her a lesson." Bella was convulsing wildly now.

"Ahh… Carlisle? What did you do to Bella?" Edward asked curiously.

"I dunno. Just a normal bite…" Carlisle replied. All of the sudden, her shaking stopped. She lay limp on the ground. There was a flash of purply-rainbow light, and Bella was gone.

"…" said everyone.

"Uh, guys? A little help here." Bella's uber high pitched voice said. They turned, and saw fairy-Bella in Nessie's fist. Nessie put Bella in her mouth, and ate her. And Bella was no more. THE END.

**PB/N- reviews? One more…**


	18. Tree

**PB/N- Last one! I don't own Once on This Island! Or twilight.**

Bella was dancing around, humming a song from the play she had just seen. "Um… Bella?" Edward said, coming up behind her. "what are you doing?"

"Some say! Oh! You scared me, Edward!" She said, stopping the dance she had been doing.

"What are you doing?" he asked, a funny look on his face.

"I just saw this really awesome play, and…" She went on to tell him about the play. "And she turned into a tree!" And with that, there was a 'poof' and smoke appeared and went away. When it was gone, Edward saw that Bella had been turned into a tree.

"No!!!!!" Edward cried, as he fell to his knees. A hot vampire walked by. She was blonde. "Hey baby." He said, standing up. She giggled, and he grabbed her and ran off. Jacob ran by Bella-tree in wolf form. He really had to pee really badly. So he went on the tree. He didn't know it was Bella. He ran away. Five minutes later, Bella poofed back into a human.

"Thanks Asaka!" she called to the sky. "Why is my leg wet? Why do I smell like wolf pee? Eww! Jake must have peed on me! Edwards gone…. Asaka, I wanna be a tree again!" She was poofed back into a tree. And she lived happily as a tree forever. (Sheltering peasant and Grand Homme alike)

**PB/N- M'kay. So in once on this island, this little girl is orphaned in a storm by the gods. They save her. Years later, she falls in love with a rich dude she nursed back to health by making a deal with the god of death, by trading her soul for the rich guy. She goes to their hotel/ mansion thing, and she finds out that he's engaged to this other snotty girl. She can't be with him, and they kick her out. The god of death comes back to collect. They kill her, but she proves that love can conquer death, because she is given the choice to trade her soul back, but she doesn't accept. She dies. The gods are all like, omg, she's so awesome. So they turned her into a tree that the peasants and Grand Hommes(rich people) rest under. It broke the gate, so they aren't separated. So she proved that Love conquers all. You kinda have to see the play to understand, but I did a pretty decent job of summarizing it. Reviews?**


	19. Susej

**Pb/n- oh my goodness I am so sorry guys it has been so long! I've been wicked busy what with my junior year of high school, getting a boyfriend, having my boyfriends witchy (with a b) break us up, yada yada yada, in short I've been super busy and I am really sorry DON'T SHOOT! This chapter is for Tianna M.V.A who suggested this way back in 2009. Just remember, that I don't own nada. Nothing. Well, I own actually, no! I own my chapstick! Enjoy!**

Jacob and Nessie were sitting on the couch in the Cullen's living (dead people) room in Alaska, watching a fantastically cheesy movie that Nessie had picked. Nessie was cuddling into Jacob's side, eyes plastered to the TV screen. All the sudden she broke contact with the screen and looked to her one true love. He stared deeply into her chocolate brown eyes. "Jacob….. I'm freaking, what, eight? Why in the world is my name NESSIE, for God's sakes? My name makes me sound like a newborn! God! Change my name please?" All the sudden a random guy pops out of nowhere with a long white beard, but alas he is not Santa Clause, much to Nessie's dismay.

"Who are you?" they both said fearfully.

"I am God!" God said. "And your name is now… Susej. Deal with it." And he popped away.

"Susej?" Nessie asked. All the sudden a priest popped out of nowhere.

"That is Jesus backwards my dear." He said, and popped back into nowhere. Nessie looked at Jacob and shrugged. She went back to watching her movie.

All the sudden Mike ran through the living room screaming, on fire and naked, Emmett chasing him.

"Nooooo Mikey come back! We weren't done yet! You were not supposed to catch fire!" Both ran out into the snow, Mike jumping into a conveniently placed pond. It was frozen though, so he had to break the ice to get through. Jacob raised his eyebrow at Nessie. He shrugged at her, and went back to staring at her while she watched he movie. The End!

**Pb/n- so I defiantly tweaked/added a few things to that. But that is ok. I hoped you all enjoyed! Please review!**


	20. Stairs

**PB/N- Wassup my peeps! I know that I'm supposed to be working on ****You Say WHAT Happened?**** I'm definitely working on it, but the thing that SUCKS is that I had a bunch of chapters typed out and then my computer died which sucks. So I had to start from scratch, and needed a small distraction. So here it is! **

Her foot slipped, and she started to fall. "Jacob!" she screamed in anguish. "Save me! I'm falling down the stairs!" It was true. She was falling down the stairs, and would get hurt, if she wasn't a half vampire. In actuality, she didn't really need Jacob to rescue her. She tumbled down the stairs, leaving huge dents in the wood as she crashed. She fell off the stairs, and left a huge, Renesmee shaped hole in the ground where she landed. She let out a groan, although she didn't know why. That fall hurt the floor more than it had hurt her. That's when Jacob came running.

"Are you hurt?" he asked frantically.

"Jacob, I'm fine." She said, pushing herself up and dusting her shirt off.

"I was talking to the floor!" He exclaimed, laying down and stroking the floor. She rolled her eyes and headed to the kitchen. She pulled a can of soda out of the refrigerator, and began drinking it, listening to Jacobs's murmurs to the floor. She then went into the living room, and sat down on the couch. Billy was watching sports- of course- and she had nothing better to do while Jacob stroked the floor. It wasn't like it was the first time this had happened. In fact, he had done it a few times as well! He had finally stopped stroking the floor, and had joined them in the living room.

"So, Nessie, What are we going to do today?" He said, sitting down next to her. She took another sip of her soda.

"I don't know. I thought about becoming a prostitute, but decided that wasn't a very good idea. Besides, there really aren't too many prostitutes around here anyways." Jacob nodded his head in agreement. "Maybe we could find some awesome stairs to fall down." Nessie suggested. "That could be fun. I bet my old man has some real good ones at his place. Let's go check it out!" She exclaimed throwing her soda can across the room at Billy. It landed right in the middle of his forehead, and knocked him out. They cheered, and ran across town to where the clan lived. Nessie lived with them every other day, although it seemed like hundreds of years.

They ran inside, and cheered with delight when they saw stairs galore growing as they watched. Carlisle had told her that one of her developing powers was that she could make anything that she wanted happen. Right now she wanted stairs, so stairs she got! They took an elevator to the top of the stairs, and grabbed the sleds that were conveniently placed at the top. They threw themselves down, sleds first. Halfway down, they threw the sleds away and rolled down having fun. When they got to the bottom fifty seven days later, they had built up so much momentum that they crashed straight through the floor, and into the basement, where they were throwing Bella's nine hundredth birthday. She had actually only been a vampire for a year and a half, but sometimes it was hard to tell the difference. At anyways, Nessie and Jacob fell straight into the cake, which was actually just a big bowl of blood with those little floating votives in it. They all had different smells, and it was weird. Bella was opening her presents as the bowl holding the cake crashed to pieces. Then they all celebrated and licked the blood off of them. Then they all slow motion ran into the sunset with sparkly skin and swaying hair. The end. Except Billy came around and tried to wheel into the sunset, but couldn't keep up. Then Carlisle ditched Esme for Emmett, and Rosalie joined Esme. Now the end.


End file.
